If you have followed me on social media for awhile, you know I’ve slightly touched on my anxiety & depression. I haven’t gone into details about the subject, but I’ve mentioned that I’ve been going through a rough patch for a few months now.. coming up on a year now actually. I knew that it had been awhile, but it hit me today that it has almost been a year that I’ve been sucked into the dark hole that depression often brings. I have battled anxiety & depression my entire life. Thankfully I finally went to seek the help of professionals when I was between my sophomore and junior year in college. From there, I was prescribed daily medication that helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I kept up with the medication for the following years after that.
Although this time last year, I just stopped taking them with no real reason why. I forgot to take my medication a few days in a row, and I assume I just thought I was fine then and didn’t need to take it anymore.
It was not until 5-6 months after that incident, when I was at the deepest point of my depression, that it finally hit me as to why I was suffering again. At that point, I didn’t care about anything so I didn’t take any steps to reach out to my doctor to get a refill or anything… I just kept sleeping.. day after day…. trying to sleep away all my thoughts, my problems, my feelings, everything.
That continued on a vicious cycle for another month until I made myself finally get up. (many of you might think I’m over exaggerating about sleeping every single day away, but I’m not) I have my own business so I worked from home at the time & had saved up enough money to pay my bills during those down months, to where I was worried about needing to get up and work. THAT caught up to me quickly though.. & now I am still and will continue to be paying the price of that for quite a bit.
Anyway, I finally got back on my medicine. It takes anywhere from 3-5 weeks for the medicine to actually start working, so I still struggled immensely during that period.
Which now brings us to the current state I’m in and have been for close to about two months now. I still struggle every day to make myself get out of bed.. (& there are many days I can’t convince myself) but I am making progress. I still am not doing the things I should be doing to take care of my health.. which leads us to this post.
I have been wanting SO badly to get back to blogging and posting regularly on social media.. but I haven’t known where to start. I’ve kept pushing it off because I keep telling myself I want to make sure my blog is perfectly set up & all my blog posts are perfectly formatted before I do so. I wanted to write the perfect “I’m back” post, but today it hit me. There won’t be a perfect “I’m back” post… There won’t be anything if I continue to push off the things that used to make me happy because I am afraid of being judged…
I am SO vulnerable and afraid right now. I am just free style writing this entire post. I haven’t explained every detail the way I originally wanted to. I haven’t been grammatically correct in every single sentence. I haven’t been writing as well as I use to…. but who cares right?! At least I got up today. At least I FINALLY posted something. I am going to be a little rusty & I’m not going to have a perfect way to describe my story… but that’s why I used to love blogging… It didn’t matter about all that. All that mattered was me sharing my story.. in hopes to help anyone else that has ever felt the way I have or has needed inspiration to not be afraid of being 100% unapologetic about who they are and what they have been through.
I am so sorry for this mess of a post.. but honestly I feel so happy to have finally written SOMETHING down. This is the first step to me getting back on my feet and sharing more in depth about my story of anxiety & depression.
If you’ve made it this far reading… thank you for listening to me.